I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
