guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
