Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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