I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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