I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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