I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
