WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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