he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize