Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
