I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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