mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
