i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
