Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Randomize
