Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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