He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
