She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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