Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
