mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize