i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize