Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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