Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
