I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
