please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
