I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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