he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
