she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
