bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
