even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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