I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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