so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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