I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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