i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
