I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize