I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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