just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
