Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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