I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wish there were birth control emojis
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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