her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you inspire me to be a worse person
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
