i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
