i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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