She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
