I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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