He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
