pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
