Where did you get a picture of my penis
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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