Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
