I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
