Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
