your parents love me but you hate me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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