question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
