I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
