I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
