Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When did angry sex become our thing?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize