Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
