This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
