that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize